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June 2010

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Jun. 21st, 2010

Bystander

I realized just today that I've always been a semi self-destructive person. I don't acknowledge the pain because I know that it could always be worse, and it didn't seem fair. But I'm realizing now that it is more unfair to not acknowledge your own pain. It is cheating yourself, avoiding the dying man on the street because you don't want to risk the possible chaotic outcomes of resesitation. I can't be that bystander anymore. I can't continue allowing Fear to take me by the hands, no matter how handsome a gentleman he may appear. I can't be afraid of regret. I need to know when to end something that isn't good for me, when to start something that is. I can't waste my youth feeling used and bad about myself. I can't live another day without noticing the beauty I already possess and that is all around me. I won't be that girl who is constantly waiting for something better, when the best is already right here in front of my eyes. But I also won't be the girl who settles for nothing, I will keep striving for growth, new perspective, and happiness like it's a never ending journey. I don't believe the the arbitrary ceremonial replicas of generational teachings, but I do believe in life and the ability to feel free among a body of chains. I do believe in love, even as it feels more cruel than kind, more distracting than guiding, more foolish than practical. It's powers are enviable. Stronger than any steroid or food for thought could provide. It circulates and undulates like a ribbon of radiance that dances beneath black sludge. It's a reason to live, and a reason to die, all at once. I have been one of many beneath it's irrational spell. I have been one to let love make a fool of me. I can cry and complain, but I'd be lying if I said I would ever give up on it for anything else. Yet, in polarity to this, something tells me this isn't right.
I've swallowed my pride but it's lodged in my throat. It makes it's miraculous recovery in the heat of spontaneity. Just when I'd thought I'd never see it again, it rears it's ugly head in the most relentless, untimely fashion. To let my pride weigh me down, like stones at the bottom of the beast's belly, would be a cowardly move. I'm no longer pretending to move my body in robotic gestures, to speak with monotony to avoid showing my true feelings. I won't refuse to acknowledge my own humanity. I accept this vulnerability like the generic participant's door prize. I'll hang it on my fridge anyway, without an ounce of shame or arrogance. If I am afraid to die, then I am afraid to live. If I am afraid to love, what else is left to give?

Jan. 18th, 2010

somebody's in-between girl

I am two completely different people in the winter compared to the summer. Looking at pictures of myself flying through the Wisconsin countryside on a bicycle in mid-July, my feet crunched into the sand of Laguna Beach, little purple toenails peeking out. A rush of how I felt at those times return into my soul... it's one thing to remember events, but its an entirely different realm to have those exact emotions come back to you... flashes of lightning.
I've been lazy the past month that I've had off work and school, but I've also been productive. I've learned how to play piano (kindof) and written songs. I've seen some important people and re-established a lot of those missed social connections. I've created art, ice-skated, discovered new music, new ideas. I haven't really been writing... but as I was telling Tony the other night, been in a state of moratorium, taking it all in. I know that when I'm ready to write again, I will. Starting school again tomorrow, which will force me to do so. I can't wait for the summer, I want to go somewhere exotic, Costa Rica? I've never been further south than California, except for when I lived in Hawaii. I want to have wild adventures, feel so alive that the sweat on your skin ignites the thrill of living. I want to go to parties that aren't about beer pong, that are about dizzy dancing and costumes, the sway of life, freedom.

Talked to Jasmine last night. There was a calm melancholy in her voice, but there was also an inner strength that she always exudes in her speech. She is in Eureka Springs with her uncle as he is dying in a matter of days. She spoke of how drained she was feeling, the emotional exhaustion weighing down on her body and mind. Hearing her uncle literally screaming in the middle of the night, screams of pain. She stays beside him, helping him through his torment. She notes his bitterness and hatred towards everyone, how he didn't even tell his mother he loved her as she died. Jasmine took some vicodin which made her nauseous, and her uncle asks her is she is using. She responds that she is no longer which brings them to the subject of Jasmine's past drug usage. Her uncle had no idea, and as Jasmine shows him the scars on her arms, he tells her that he loves her and calls her his son. Tears falling down her face as he brings himself to stand up and put his arms around her. "It felt like an electric shock, you know how you feel that way when you haven't been touched in a long time... and someone finally touches you." I hear the tenderness in her voice now as she describes how miraculous this was, "He doesn't say this to ANYBODY..." and she calls her cousin, Galen, from Portland. The only thing Galen says is "I'm getting on a plane tomorrow." So now Jasmine will be joined by her cousin for the final days of her uncle's life. She is contemplating writing a eulogy for him and reading it to him before he dies, but she feels nervous about his reaction. She speaks about how she has felt out of touch with important people in her life because of how drained she has been, and so she asked me to post this journal entry in order to let those people know what is going on with her. I'm not sure who will see this, I will keep this post public in case any of her friends not on my friend's list can read it.


Finally, I'm posting parts of the song I just wrote. I tried to record it adequately, but my internet kept fucking up. So you don't even see the best part, which is the ending, but anyway here's some of it. I'm happy about how it turned out, even though its pretty melancholy.

<3







Lyrics


(still untitled... suggestions?)

We need another closet
For the rest of our skeletons
Lack of sleep has proven
To be a muse, on an entirely different realm
I never meant to be wrong
I just don't know how to be right

And it keeps me, it keeps me
Just like anybody else
It tells me, it tells me
Not to ever be afraid
And I won't, and I won't, and I won't
And it keeps me, it keeps me
Awake at night...

And I could close my eyes
Pretend I'm on another astral plane
Oh I could reach out
And eat the moon with my own hands
And I'll be back sometime my dear but baby,
that could take awhile, that could take
All night...

Aug. 25th, 2009

Aubergine & Speed

Most of the time I'm always in a hurry,
But I never slow down to make sense of what for.
Magicians do tricks to appease the public,
But mostly we find humor in everyday disasters.
And sometimes it's been like dragging around a broken leg,
When I'm trying to fit it all in.
At the end of the day there's no one on my side,
But I'll be thinkin it could be beautiful,
As she, crying many tears, often might concur.
The moon sets low, and I'm racing easy...
Underneath the Wisconsin sky.
The season of the witch is nothing more than
Vitamins for my favourite cinnamon Venus.
She who speaks in vain,
She who knows my name.
My August Andromeda,
Who might someday take me by the hand.
I'll bite my tongue and remember slight fragments,
A mother who once knew me as a golden daughter
The one and only daughter,
Foolish not to speak.
Words escaping my mouth,
Shaped of M, held by Q.
I sit a forgotten flower beneath the aubergine horizons
I'd like to sit and romanticize the solitary life,
But I've been defeated by my own prophecies.
Theres time to be killed and pasts to be longed for,
The nostalgic melancholy to fill our souls like a forbidden fruit.
It's like your wife when she's givin you her charcoal smile,
And you forgive her with one shot of Bourbon.
It's like your sister when she's stained her mouth with blackberries,
And you love her as she runs away with all the charms...
That once you posessed.
And we only have the time as we slumber,
We wake up with the kiss of the moon sunken under the skin of our eyes.
Dreams keep rolling through,
I envision the lovliest of structures.
Structures that could only have been created by a goddess on speed.
A goddess in a hurry,
Who never quite had the time to make sense of what for.
 

Apr. 26th, 2009

just be my angel, if you say love me





Theres a world outside my doorstep.
.Friends Only.

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